Last year my husband and I attended a marriage seminar with Paul Tripp, during which he showed a trailer to one of his new books on mid-life crisis. I am only 33. My husband is 27. As we watched, I oddly related…and chuckled inside. At the end, I whispered in the ear of my youthful man, “I think I just went through my mid-life crisis!” To which he laughed his jolly old laugh (and if you know him, you’d attest that it really is jolly:) saying, “I was thinking of you!”
The hubs is working today, so I’m alone with the kids. Being Saturday, we’re used to doing something special as a family…even if it’s just projects around the house; we love our weekends together. So, not wanting to be depressed by his absence, I loaded the kids into the van, drove by Jamba Juice for smoothies, and ended at the park…which was empty. Sometimes Saturday’s are empty.
And as the kids played on the slides, and attempted the monkey bars, and swung as high as the sky, my mind drifted to their world…a time before the awareness of life’s challenges. A time when my heart wasn’t heavy with fear or doubt. A time of childhood innocence. And I wished to capture that feeling of life appearing as a blank canvas, waiting for strokes of color from the paintbrush held by my hand.
After the park, I went the long route home, and prayed over this quaint town…really a town I dreamed to live in…a town not too far from where I spent most of my childhood. The cedars and pines filling the hills on the horizon; the brick and mortar of the old mixed with the new. The shadows cast by the coming autumnal sun, and the sound of the breeze rustling the leaves: it all swept me away to a harsher time in life…a time when I took long runs along the canal, when tears would flow down my flushed face, my heart wrenched open before a mysterious God: Crushed dreams with no possibility of retrieval…my first husband gone: no hope of seeing him again until the end of this life, the beginning of a new life in heaven.
The kids lay in their beds now, supposed to be napping, but I hear my son singing,“1-2-3 Jesus loves me. 1-2 Jesus loves you.” And the smell of the cooking roast overwhelms my senses. I sit typing: A present day memoir.
And at this moment I remember how I started this post…my mid-life crisis. I still chuckle at the thought! What will that be like for me:) This much too deep thinker…much too deep feeler. And then I remember, the Jesus who loves me. The One who has carried me through every crisis, through every good moment, through every grand moment, and I am at peace. Because life is still waiting to be painted. There’s a lot left to be done; God isn’t finished! And He won’t be until l I take that last breath.
And this young 33-year-old woman, who sometimes feels 70 and other times feels 15, is filled once again with dreams that are vibrant, colorful, textured, and all beautiful.
Oh, only for the glory of Him! Because I don’t want it if it isn’t!!
On this present day, in the silence of my heart, I remember a promise of Scripture, “Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and Mighty things, which you do not know,” (Jeremiah 33:3).
I am expectant. Hopeful. Believing.
Hi, I’m Jacqui, a wife and stay at home mama. I started this blog to share what God’s teaching me - how He’s changing me. It seems that most days I’m a little messy and broken. This is where I’m finding petals of grace. Beauty from ashes. Will you join me?
I love that you took the time to share your Saturday thoughts! Beautiful!
Thanks Becky! It’s a blessing hearing from you :)
I get this. Truly. That feeling of being transported in your mind to both past and future. And longing to do all for the Glory of Him – yes!
Missy, beautiful way of putting it! You really do get it ;) Sums up my post! Blessings, friend!
I love ” this young 33-year-old woman, who sometimes feels 70 and other times feels 15, is filled once again with dreams that are vibrant, colorful, textured, and all beautiful.” I am 35, but most days, I think I am only 20 at the most. However, I think and feel like a 70 or 80 year old many times. I am a deep thinker too. I simply cannot imagine how heart wrenching it must be to lose your husband so early in life. I am glad you are dreaming again. I’m glad you had fun even though you were missing hubs – such a good thing to teach the kids not matter how young! Thankful for God’s work in you!
Jamie, reading your blog I can tell you feel the same way :) I think we’re a lot alike! Though it was perhaps one of the hardest things I ever faced, the grace and compassion of God carried me in a way that only those who go through such things can really understand. And I think you understand (probably in a different way)…and even know that! Thanks for your words here, friend! ♥
Mike’s laugh is jolly! I can hear it in my head right now. I hate those lonely Saturdays without the husband, it seems like just another weekday of he isn’t home!
Roz, thank you, his laugh IS jolly!! :) Also, I love that you’ve been reading my blog…although it’s more intimidating when my inRL friends read? Why is that? :) Love you!
Hi Jacqui! I started writing down scriptures next to prayer requests that I have. I LOVED that you referenced “Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and Mighty things, which you do not know,” (Jeremiah 33:3) as I just wrote that one down on Friday & it gave me GREAT comfort in knowing that God DOES have mighty things in store for me :) When I grow weary & honestly lose my yearning to call on Him, I now will remember this verse knowing that He is waiting for me to call on Him so that He can show me things I couldn’t even comprehend. If I don’t call, I won’t get an answer…..GREAT post!!
Thanks Kim! That’s a good verse, huh! One of my favorites :) And I agree, we miss a lot because we simply don’t call on HIm. Love your words of encouragement, friend!
Hi Jacqui! Thanks so much for taking the time to stop by my blog and share your heart. Your words, both there and here, reveal what a beautiful heart it is. I love that you said you’re a deep thinker and feeler, because I am too:) I often need to remind myself that Jesus gave that to me as gift (which comes in handy when writing) and not as something to be self-conscious about. Your post is so calm and gentle, very inviting. Thanks for sharing it!
I like how you remind yourself Jesus gave that to you as a gift! I don’t know why I’ve honestly never thought of that! Thanks Mandy for such kind words. Blessings!
I popped over from Allume and am glad I did. This was a beautiful picture of a snapshot from your life. I too feel old, so old sometimes and yet just a babe at others, while being a “mere” 41.
Heather, thanks for visiting and thanks for the encouragement! I really didn’t think there were that many people who felt like me, but since this post, I’ve been hearing that a lot! It’s a funny thing isn’t it!?
Jacqui – I loved this post. You painted such a detailed picture of your Saturday that I felt like I was there with you. Girl, I too feel just like you. At 42, my body sometimes feels like it is 90 when my feet hit the floor and then in my mind I still feel 25. So blessed to have you on my path!
Thank you Nellie! I’m so blessed to have you on my path! :)